Crushes. They make you feel alive. They make you curious. They make you want to be a better version of yourself. If we could live in a constant state of crush, I think we would just be crushing it in life. Of course, I'm also sure it's healthy to move from the crush state to a nice and normal relationship. But when there's a high probably that won't happen, I'll settle on just a crush. I haven't had a crush in quite awhile and uh, my current crush is a freakin Bachelorette contestant. I am very aware that this crush will never make it to a relationship phase, but have come to realize it has already served a purpose for me - inspiring me to do things that otherwise, I probably would have kept putting off or not done at all.
Back when I was writing up My Fear List, for some reason, I included: travel to visit Bachelorette crush. In looking over my list a few weeks ago, I questioned - Why would I even put this on the list? And I realized it's because the idea is a crazy one and being a little crazy is out of my comfort zone. So I took a look at my calendar, my funds, and flights and just booked the trip to be sure it coincided with one of my crush's radio station events. It didn't hurt that Nashville has been on my list of cities to visit... and I was also in serious need of a solo trip. So, I was killing like three birds with this one stone of a trip. Not that I needed to rationalize the booking of it or anything.
There was a fourth bird that happened to sneak in tonight as well(s). As you may know from previous entries, I have been struggling with making the dog treats that I needed to make. I have been procrastinating and finding any and every possible reason not to do it.. But today, something snapped in me. I had a reason - my freakin' crush. He is probably as obsessed with his dog as I am with Nessa and knowing I was going to meet him, I had the thought of bringing him nesbits dog treats for his dog. The only thing was I was completely sold out of inventory. So tonight, after nearly a month of procrastinating, I made one batch of each of my flavors and got to cutting bones and hearts and baking. My freakin' crush made me do it. How crazy is that?
I now very strongly believe that crushes are good for you. I almost wish I could rewind back to my relationship and do the things I did and be the person I was when I was crushing on Matt initially. I remember he sent me his Soundcloud really early on and even though I was doubtful I would enjoy songs without lyrics, I listened to every single one. Multiple times. Throughout our relationship, I absolutely loved when he shared his music with me, but did I go out of my way to listen to his songs on a regular basis? In six years, I may have done that a handful of times which honestly, isn't enough knowing that music is such a significant part of who he is as a person. I think back to the first Christmas gift I gave him - I made an album of moments we had shared in our first four months or so. At the end, there was a little envelope glued in with plane tickets for a trip to CA which would be his first time flying. I loved creating that album and watching him go through it and yet, I stopped. I don't even think he got an actual Christmas gift from me last year. And it's not about the gift, but it most definitely is about the thoughtfulness. How could I let myself lose that? If I was still crushing on him and in that crush state, I would have crushed it.
"It's nice to have a crush on someone. It feels like you're alive, you know?"
~ Scarlett Johansson
"Theoretical crushes could remain perfect and flawless, because you never actually had to find out what that person was really like or deal with the weird way they chewed or anything."
~ Morgan Matson
"I could survive for months, years, on a crush"
~ Jenny Han
About the photo: This is from the first day trip date Matt and I went on back in October 2010. The event was a Wine & Cheese Festival in CT and across the street from the Hopkins Vineyard Winery, we saw this older couple sitting by the lake just looking so in love - still. Matt and I were early on in our relationship at this point - only "Facebook official" for a few weeks - and I'm certain we were very much still in that crush state. For whatever reason, we both always remembered this couple. I want to believe they were successful in crushing through the years of their marriage.